The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill oneself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom the invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill oneself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling. You are sitting at your desk. You know it’s time to go you have said that to yourself for a million times but this time you know you are sure it’s for real. You are tired, so very tired. Your parents pissed you off and your friends undermined your existence. You go to get the rope with a knife or a gun or whatever you can use because you are that desperate to leave! You are ready, you think of it as a game “The first one dead is the first one who wins”. No one’s home
it’s the perfect time. You already know if you don’t do it now you are going to look down yourself more, you are going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know until later on. You think of getting a paper and a pen. you get the video camera along with it a chair. You are standing on the chair. You decide to go with the rope so that you are gone instantly and there will be no noise. One end of the rope is tied to the fan while the other is already about your neck. All you know is this is for real this time. You look at the video camera and stare at it breathlessly with it blinking upon your eyes …. you start to mumble out a few words,” Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry but I’m so sorry. I just can’t take this anymore. I don’t even know who I’m any more…I have lost myself completely and I seem not being able to find my way back ..Please don’t blame yourself. Please! I love you both. Please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong and stay safe.” You say sorry to your friends because you know you wouldn’t be there anymore, especially when they need you more than ever! You say sorry to everyone you can think of! Even yourself-for not being strong anymore, sorry for breaking down, you are sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life …you stare, once again at that red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is on the chair now as you begin to manage a goodbye! As soon as you see the light go off you go off. Both feet are off the chair and the chair is on the floor …the room is filled with silence. You are dead. You are gone. There is no coming back…Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain any more but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little sister? What are they going to do?
You ended your life because the person you liked only thought of you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher because she knew that you were the only one who was going somewhere in life. Your parents are home now…They call you name telling you that they are home like always but something is different. You don’t answer they don’t hear your voice! They get worried as you always answer. They come to your room thinking you are sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your doors and screams at the top of her voice. She instantly passes out. Your dad comes running in and all he can do is stare, stare at his son, his lovely son, dead and gone. He sees his boy swinging on the rope. He sees the rope and the chair and the camera but he doesn’t move. Just the tears roll down his cheeks. The man who never cried cries for you! He picks up the phone and calls the police. He can barely get the words: “My son committed suicide” out of his mouth and in tears. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They take your mom out of your room. Push your dad out of the room. And now they put you down the rope and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go just like that. In the blink of an eye everything happens and everything was over. You are gone, dead. Nothing is the same.
Two weeks have passed and your mom is still traumatized staring at the window sometimes the whole day. Your dad had to go to office to get to pay all bills for your funeral. Eventually they get the courage to go back to your room. Your door hasn’t been opened. The rope is still there lying on the floor, the same place the cops put it and the video camera still on table.
They still don’t have the guts to see the gem of their eye fade away. It will never be seen. All things get back gradually. You thought no one cares, no one noticed you. Remember that boy who refused to be your roommate. Yeah, he cuts every single night thinking maybe it’s his fault, you died. Remembered the teacher who scolded you that day, she quit her job because she thought she was not suitable to teach anymore. Remember the girl who said she didn’t have “feeling” for you? She sobs every other day for you! Four years have passed and your younger sibling is now 18, She started a club in her college dedicated to you-called “The secrets” for kids who speak their hearts without anyone judging them. They can talk about anything they want or feel. They always have someone to share their deepest loneliness’ with! But,that was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything piled up inside you! You acted as the happiest person with the perfect life. You played that happy character so well that even you started to believe it. You’d be so happy all day for the world but when it was just you, somewhere deep you knew it’s not the case. You felt lonely in a group, you were not the one you portrayed! Little things could have set you off. You just hated your limits. But now what? You are gone, you are dead and there is no going back, because you took it too far. Your void will never be filled. Time will continue but what will not is your memories, your friends will be torn up for they needed you. Your parents needed you. Your university has a club dedicated to you so that others would not do what you did.
Life was precious and you took it in a blink of an eye! All you needed was a smile, all you needed was to tell yourself that everything will be okay. But since you are gone – now you know that people cared, they always cared and shall always care. And you know what sucks? You didn’t sense that when you were here. I promise, they loved you and I know they will always love you! But the boat has sailed, never to return!